This Path I'm on

This Path I'm on

Well, I'm on a path to where…?
or am I on a pathless land as my
very wise husband says?
All I know is the very two incidences that
happened to me these past two days
have changed how I feel and
look at things in my life and career.
As I said before (how many times now?)
I feel my job is not a job…
but a calling.

Let me explain;

I have two full-time clients that I take care of.
Both different, but really the same.
One of my clients is a disabled
lady that is diabetic, and that had
brain cancer when she was eleven
years old; this has unfortunately affected
her all her life. Her balance,
memory, and gait is very unsteady
and uncertain. She has lived a life
that I can only stand in awe of. Her oldest son
died of brain cancer when
he was 35. She depends solely on her
husband for everything-
food, transportation etc...
Yet she always has a smile and a kind word for
everyone...even when she is in extreme pain.
She is a very devout lady-
and I call her My Shining Star.
Then two days ago she suffered a stroke
while I was sitting with her.
I called 911 and her husband who was at work-
they took her to the hospital where she is
now awaiting physical therapy-
and unfortunately a mass was found on her brain.
Hopefully, not cancer again.
Everyone commented on how calm
and strong I was-until I got home.
Then I fell apart. But I told my husband-
seeing the EMT's in action
awoke something in me...maybe?
Next my other client is a disabled lady
who suffers from post-polio syndrome.
She also is a very devout lady-but one with a
backbone of steel and fire in her spirit.
She has a husband who was the sole provider
until unfortunately he was laid
off from his job (don't you love America)
and then developed blood clots
that has prevented him from further working.
They have an awesome fourteen-year old son.
Now, my client is in extreme pain from the stress
of caring for her husband and son...
I had to take her to the E/R the
other day for a pain shot.
This is extremely rare for this lady...
she usually bears the pain well. But once again
as I was sitting in the E/R with this lady,
I felt a pull, a tugging in the direction of what?...
Now this lady and her family
are facing eviction due to not being able to pay their rent…
I so want to help, but can't find the way or the words…
I guess what I'm saying is this…
will I eventually become numb to this?
I hope not, but sometimes this job I love
takes all I have to give…
and unfortunately leaves nothing for myself…
And the husband that
I love so much, and deserves more than I have to give.
He is fighting his own battle (search kerry walker story)
...as so am I…

Illusions

I wrote this one afternoon as I was sitting on the porch
at peace, and contemplating life and how
we tend to view this thing called love...

So you tell me I live in a world of Illusions.
That I truly do not see the real thing.Sadly,
I must agree with you.
But time has taught me a few things,
things that I am powerless over,
and things I can control.

Such as my love for you. As great as it is,
I know that I cannot project certain images upon it.
Like thinking we will be together forever. Since I don't believe in
forever ( I once thought I did) I just take one day
at a time with you.
I've learned that no love stays the same.
It changes with the times.
The good times and the bad.

Then there is mine and your happiness.
I have learned I can control my happiness,
and that I should not expect you to be responsible for it.
I cannot hold you prisoner to that thought.
Likewise, your happiness is your responsibility.
I'm not saying I do not want to make you happy. Not that at all.

I just don't want to be a prisoner of that thought either.